he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
