She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
