Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
