He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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