Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
