In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
