I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
