there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
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If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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