You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
