The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
