i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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