There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
