I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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