I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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