I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
