i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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