you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
People in love make me want to vomit
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
