i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
