so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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