my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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