I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
