I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
