I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
