Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
