I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
