i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
