hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So much rum. So many feels.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
