Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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