I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
