look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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