Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
