I wish they made helmets for livers.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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