I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
