I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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