I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
