she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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