you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
