i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
