i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
