When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
