i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
