9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
