They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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