I'm so fucking centered right now
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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