i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
