my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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