dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
