i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
