i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
