I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
