420 ftw
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
