I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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