i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
