Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
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I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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