Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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